Wasting Time
by AnimateObsessive
Summary: Kakashi reflects on his own aging and all the time he has wasted.


Kakashi was getting older. This fact went very much without saying. Age was the cruelest of all constructs, the unrelenting rise and fall of the human spirit. Therefore, why should any logical mind be shocked to realize it? Quite frankly, Kakashi had never _felt_ he was getting older. For a man of his physical prowess, age was the background noise of a ruthless shinobi life. He saw the numbers escalating, dates passing soundlessly in his mental calender. Years fell away, never again to exist, and he was impassive. But today, he could not treat age as a clock ticking in the distance. Today, for the first time in his life, he felt _old._

Kakashi steadied himself against a tree, his body seeming to fold into the sturdy bark. His breath came in sharp pants as he reveled in this moment of stability. His vision, once slightly distorted, returned to vivid focus. He could feel, but could not be bothered to wipe away, the sweat cascading down his brow. He pressed a hand to his heaving chest, searching out a frantic heartbeat.

 _I never used to feel like this. Is this just because I was hurt? Or am I really getting older? Is this what it feels like to turn into an old man? I...I must be at least fifty..._

Ahead of Kakashi's thoughts, Sasuke was taking charge. The bruise upon his left cheek stung and his slight limp had caused him to lag behind Sakura and Naruto, but he suffered no enhanced state of weakness from the ambush. As handsome at twenty-two as he'd been at sixteen, he was still able to capture Sakura's attention by merely raising his voice. And Naruto followed along obediently, his eyes instantly fastening on Sasuke when he spoke.

Watching the proceedings, Kakashi was struck by a strange thought: _I keep getting older, but my students stay the same age._

"We can't keep going like this," Sasuke was uttering sternly. "Two of us can go ahead, but one of us needs to stay behind and help Kakashi."

Sasuke's words made Kakashi feel as if he was an invalid. Selfishly leeching off the kindness of the young and healthy, forcing them to alter their pace for him just because he was foolish enough to age. His former students had their own burdens to carry through their lives, he realized sadly. They couldn't experience their young lives fully if they were expected to drag him along on their backs. Why, he wondered, must he alone start getting old at the same time the other three were only starting to become adults?

Sasuke glanced at Kakashi, who did not seem able to stand at present. The inconvenience was trying, yet it could not be helped. Him, Sakura, and Naruto might not look it, but it had really been one hell of an ambush and they'd been fortunate to escape without a casualty. Or at least not an _immediate_ casualty, for Kakashi appeared in very ill health. Setting adrift thoughts of what could happen next, Sasuke decided to take charge further. He turned to Sakura, who didn't blush at his gaze.

"I'll do it!" he volunteered solemnly. "Sakura, you and Naruto can..."

"No!"

The sharp protest tore the air, causing the raven-haired man to fall silent at once. Kakashi might have been unusually weak, but his voice was strong. The unyielding authority in his tone made the other three feel as if they were mere youths being ordered about by their sensei. It was an effect Kakashi was pleased he had maintained. Regardless of how old he became, he would always be the sensei and they the students.

"I want Sakura to do it," Kakashi uttered, a touch of reluctance in his voice.

The decision was far more split second than it sounded. He made it within a single instance of thought, spawned from a glance at Naruto's visage. Amends, however shallow, was first in his mind. He wasn't a completely useless old man, as long as his tongue and lips functioned and his brain could produce raw empathy.

 _You owe me one, Naruto._

Sakura looked surprised at Kakashi's request. Perhaps a little embarrassed, as if he'd asked her to accompany him on a romantic outing. She was certain the normal choice was Sasuke, him being arguably the most competent. In truth, she felt a bit smug at being chosen over the raven-haired man. Kakashi had acknowledged the various changes in her character enough to entrust his very well-being to her, rather than expecting the reverse, she thought.

"If you're up for it," Kakashi adjoined hastily.

Their journey to the village was going to be delayed. The sun was already threatening to withdraw, its smiling face teasing them from its lower point in the sky. He didn't want to drag their travels into the night, but it might be inevitable. And he preferred it be Sakura over Sasuke or Naruto, for the sake of the latter.

Sakura frowned, her stance shifting to one of determination. Voicing neither consent nor protest, she strode to her former sensei. She nodded, communicating her intent, and offered him her arm. Without meaning to, but due to his current weakened state, Kakashi fell against her with the ungracefulness of one who had fainted. Sakura nearly toppled as she struggled with the abrupt surge of weight. Kakashi was heavier than he looked, she thought wryly. But she grasped him firmly and, with a strong push and a little maneuvering, righted him. Kakashi wrapped his arm around her shoulders and held on for support, breathing heavier than he had a moment previous.

 _I'm already tired?_ the man thought wearily.

He'd eventually get used to being like this, he concluded miserably. He was getting old after all. With this dismal thought hanging over his mind, he watched Naruto and Sasuke depart, leaving him in Sakura's care.

 _Not a bad place to be._

The rain began silently. Minuscule drops spattering noiselessly against the flora and fauna, instantaneously soaking out of existence as they landed. Barely a drizzle at first, it did not have enough power to alert the two travelers. But it increased with time, utilizing a duration of one minute to send down a few well-placed warning drops.

Sakura took notice of the change in weather before Kakashi. They had been moving along at their own slow pace in a comfortable silence. It wasn't that they could think of nothing to utter. The quiet was, on her end, a mark of sympathy. She knew people rarely drew enthusiasm from conversation while in such a feeble state. On Kakashi's end, he was merely too sluggish, primarily interested in keeping himself awake, to speak or reply.

"Rain," the female observed simply, albeit worriedly. "Should we stop? We don't want to be caught in a downpour."

Kakashi's smile was bitter this time, as was his response.  
"I can't really have a say in that, can I? If you want to stop, we'll have to."

This feeling of being a helpless invalid was digging under his skin for some reason, poking at his nerves. Perhaps it was the suddenness of it. He'd been in his usual vibrant state of health the previous day. Indeed, he'd been in his normal health the previous _hour._ Then what he perceived to be old age came down on him all at once before he was prepared. The effect was practically sinful.

 _I wasn't ready for this..._

The pair sought shelter underneath a tree. They knew this pause would place them even further behind Naruto and Sasuke, but the other option was less acceptable. Kakashi was already barely able to move. Wet clothes and wet hair, the familiar precursors of sickness, might downgrade his condition to critical. It was safer to remain in one place until the rain ceased, although the threat of a swift nightfall was equally present.

Kakashi rested his head against the tree, closing his eyes. He was thankful to be off his feet, even though the majority of the walking had relied on Sakura. Even standing, or rather holding onto someone else for support, appeared too much for his body. He had tried to avoid it earlier, but all he truly desired at the moment was a nice long slumber. He willed himself to drift off, enticed into the serene, comfortable world of sleep by the promise of dreams...

"Kakashi? Kakashi? _Kakashi?!"_

Except someone was shaking him, pulling him back into the real world and back into his drastically weakened body. That same person was yelling his name with some urgency. This jolted him more than the shaking, causing him to open his eyes. His gaze went to the perturbed female visage close to his.

"Don't you dare fall asleep!" the woman ordered.

Kakashi smiled reassuringly, but vaguely, at Sakura's concern. He hadn't been planning to "sleep", persay. A moment or two of resting his eyes was all he wanted. A break from reality to steady his mind. He had no intention of "sleeping".

"Of course I won't," he assured her. "You don't need to worry, Sakura."

He was about to close his eyes again, but Sakura spoke rather loudly and with a touch of panic in her tone.

"Let's...let's talk, Kakashi. We don't do that often, do we? I mean, without Naruto and Sasuke. It's nice to have a conversation, just the two of us, once in a while."

While she doubted Kakashi would fall into a coma if he slept, Sakura did not want to brave that risk if she could avoid it. His physical state worried her. She'd seldom had cause to fret over him in the past, but this extended beyond wounds. Kakashi's frail grasp on consciousness needed to be maintained and he had, by extension of all else, entrusted her to do so.

However, she needn't have kept her motivations concealed. Kakashi realized all of this instantly, reading the look on her face as one would read a novel. She was the medical ninja of the team. Naturally, she would worry for his demise more than the other two, with years of both studied and performed healing swimming in her thoughts. She alone knew all the horrors of attempting, but failing, to revive a body that had given up, as his seemed about to. His smile was more genuine this time, far less vague and closer to his usual one.

"You're afraid I'm going to die," he observed calmly. "But does that really matter? It might seem horrible for me to go this way, but I've lived longer than you, Sakura. Maybe it would be tragic if it was the other way around."

Sakura was shocked. The idea of Kakashi dying was a more final ending than she'd been contemplating. Truthfully, she declined to think about any of her "boys", as she affectionately referred to them in her thoughts, dying as long as she existed to protect them. Even if one of them was on the edge of the darkness, she remained confident she could pull them back. Such was how much she had come to care about Sasuke, Naruto, and Kakashi-sensei in the years she'd known them. Furthermore, Kakashi's indifferent manner annoyed her.

"Don't speak so callously about your own death!" she replied angrily.

Kakashi blinked at her, confused. He'd somehow upset her. He hadn't meant to cause her any mental distress. She of all people must understand his plight, his logical conclusion as the trying events of his past swarmed into his heart, lungs, and stomach at the same time. It was a sad thing to realize, but Sakura was a mature woman with experience in this field. How could she fail to accept all that was written on his tired face?

"You're thinking about all the time I wasted," he uttered quietly. "I'll admit that I've been thinking about it as well. I regret that I'll never know what it's like to have a wife or a child. Be cheerful, Sakura. I missed out on those things. You won't, I promise."

The pink-haired woman was already restraining tears of rage and misery. Kakashi was being unusually cruel and he was completely unaware of it. She was used to this, having eventually come to terms with his unintentional neglect of her when he was her sensei, but she could not excuse it. She wanted to punch him in the face and embrace him tenderly at the same time. The defeat in his voice was unbearable. The man she'd looked up to as a consistent beacon of hope was collapsing before her eyes. And it was breaking her heart. _He_ was breaking her heart as he sat there, smiling blissfully and watching the rain.

"You need to stop feeling this way!" she replied fiercely. "You can still experience those things if you really want to! Who says you have to give up? Especially when I'll do anything to help you when you're like this!"

She was thinking of the women in the village—granted, only a few of them—whom glanced, often with cheeks aflame, at the moderately good-looking older man. He of course didn't notice these glances. However, she was always conscious of them when they were together. She felt slightly sad, although it had nothing to do with her, when Kakashi seemed to return the glance, undoubtedly exciting the woman's heart...only for him to be looking at something over the woman's shoulder.

"You're right," Kakashi admitted thoughtfully. "If I want to..."

He turned to look at Sakura, tearing his gaze from the cascading rain. She was so wonderful, so full of spirit. Unlike him, the one rapidly being depleted of spirit. The contrast was somewhat unkind, but it did not anger him.

"Sakura, will you marry me?"

" _What?!"_

The woman started as if a bomb had gone off, her mouth opening in shock. She was utterly caught off guard by the question and Kakashi's tone of voice. It wasn't an odd tone in itself, but it contrasted dramatically with his words. He spoke as if he'd merely asked her opinion on the weather.

"Why...why would you ask something like that out of nowhere?" she demanded.

"You said you'd do anything, right? Then I want you to marry me."

She felt the temperature in her face rise, a rosy tint growing on her cheeks. She had expected this question at some point in her life, but from Sasuke, the man she'd adored for most of her existence. Not from Kakashi, her much older former sensei. Nevertheless, in a way she was flattered. Her former sensei was by no means physically unappealing.

"That doesn't explain anything!" she pointed out, furious. "You can't just ask things like that suddenly!"

Kakashi studied Sakura's features, his smile remaining in place. He secretly loved when her passion came out like this. She was a bright, eternally burning flower, casting a menacing, yet beautiful, light over the three males. Her temper, once making him quite wary of young girls in general, had changed gracefully during its transfer from the bratty lovestruck girl to the strong-hearted kunoichi.

"Don't you think you'd make a good wife? If that's it, then you should also worry if I'll make a good husband. Anyway, I think you'd be an excellent wife. More so than any of those other women."

"Those other women"? So he _did_ notice the glances, Sakura realized. He just chose to ignore them, passing over those many potential wives. She was distracted by this revelation for a moment. Then the full scope of Kakashi's response struck her. Her blushing worsened at the unexpected, although not unwanted, compliment. However, her anger sharpened.

"You're changing the subject!" she accused. "And you're being way too selfish! Why don't you think about _my_ feelings?"

Kakashi turned back to the rain, his expression grave.

"Selfish? With all the time I've wasted, I think I'm allowed to be selfish. But that isn't the point."

His gaze returned to the pink-haired woman.

"I want you to marry me, Sakura. Will you do it?"

He was serious. Completely serious. Sakura had nurtured a slight doubt at the back of her mind, but it had been extinguished. He wasn't speaking in jest or even ignorable delirium. He was undeniably humorless in his questions. And that meant she would have to be the same in her reply.

"You're not asking for the right reasons," she alleged somberly.

She still didn't get it, or perhaps she didn't want to. Kakashi envied her ignorance. She alone could be dismissive, while he was forced to bear this wretched reality that had been dropped on him. He sighed, his jealousy melting into slight exasperation. He would have to explain it, clearly and without pause. More time wasted, time he could never recover. His regrets were rapidly piling up on him. He turned yet again to the rain, beginning to form his thoughts directly from it.

"To a man with such little time..."

"St-stop it!"

It was the heaviness of impending tears in her voice that made Kakashi pause, his eyes leaving the rain and coming to rest on Sakura. But she was not crying, as he thought she would be. Her eyes, as dry as they'd ever been, stared at him with an almost defiant lack of tears. He saw she was biting her lip, her expression rather strained in heartache. For the first time since the subject arose, he regretted it. He hadn't been aware of how badly he was hurting Sakura with his words. Hurting her worse than if he'd twisted a kunai in her chest, judging by the look on her visage.

"If I marry you...w-will you stop saying those things?" she asked coldly. "I'll gladly become your wife if you stop."

The fact that she wasn't sobbing made Kakashi's guilt expand. She was trying to remain strong, put on a facade of being unbreakable in front of the man who was unintentionally breaking her. If she had collapsed, burrowing into his shirt and staining it with her tears, it would have been easier to cope with. He knew how to deal with a massive outpouring of emotion from Sakura. This response was alien to him.

 _Why is she this passionate? Why does she care so much about an old man so close to death like me?_

Sakura took Kakashi's hand in her own and squeezed it, staring deeper into his eyes than she ever had. Never in her life had she cared this much about him, enough to hold his hand and look so deep into his eyes. She saw a long history, both wonderful and terrible, etched into his face. A tired face, injured by tragedies she could never fully comprehend. But she had her own tragedies. She would not let Kakashi be one of them.

"I'll marry you," she pledged softly. "I'll do anything you want, as long as you promise to live."

Kakashi realized something. An obvious something. It was written in Sakura's eyes. It was written in the rain, scrawled on every drop of water. It was on the trees, woven into aroma of the flowers, carved into his fingers. But in his sadness, he'd been too naïve to see it. The pressure on his hand forced his eyes to open wider, letting all the hidden words in. He reached forward and patted Sakura's head.

 _There are always reasons to live._

"I'm sorry that I upset you."

He suddenly felt stronger, more alive. He couldn't die. Not today, at any rate. Death was the thing that waited for him at the end of that vast hallway. Waited for _him,_ not vice versa. There were doors throughout that hallway, doors he would eventually open. He had to live. He had to keep going. For love, adventure, and the feelings of the people he cared about. Like Sakura.

"Never say those things again!" the kunoichi responded sternly.

Kakashi wrapped her in a comforting embrace, gently pressing her head into the warmth of his chest. He thought her shoulders quaked a little, as if she was crying, but he couldn't be sure. When he released her, she was smiling without a trace of tears.

"I'm feeling better," he revealed. "I think I can walk."

He couldn't, but he no longer seemed on the verge of fainting. This made his dependence on Sakura more tolerable. Their pace increased, albeit by a tiny margin. It helped that the rain had ceased. The sun was just beginning to sink as they started out again.

Content at last, Kakashi leaned against Sakura for support in the aftermath of the rain.


End file.
